Happiness as a couple is based on three essential elements: healthy boundaries, authentic connection and assertive communication coupled with listening.
Statistics show an increase in domestic violence in recent years. In fact, aggression and violence in general represent the externalization of the inner conflicts that modern man is tormented by and that, in many cases, he is not even aware of, being disconnected from his true experiences.
I have heard, in many cases, how the aggressor in a relationship is put against the wall, and the victim pitied by those close to them, without the world really realizing the symbiosis in which the two live and which creates that morbid addiction, going as far as absorbing the second by the other.
Aggression in a couple increases gradually, it is not a matter of conjuncture, being implicitly tolerated step by step by the victim of an abuse, who is either careless or unable to stand up to the abuser.
A healthy relationship is a relationship in which the two exist as individuals, united by the feelings they have for each other. A couple relationship between two members who have not managed to form their own individuality is difficult, because the self does not know how to express itself in relation to another person – or tries to absorb the other (the abuser), or he allows himself to be absorbed (the victim), so we cannot talk about that mature and balanced couple in which both opinions matters, not just the opinion of one of them.
I believe that happiness in a couple is based on three essential elements: healthy boundaries, authentic connection, and assertive communication from both partners doubled by listening.
Paradoxically, I believe that the success of a couple lies in the boundaries they draw inside and outside, designed to strengthen each one’s individuality.
In the absence of clear boundaries, in which everyone takes into account the satisfaction of their own needs for a good physical, mental and emotional state, the level of frustration accumulates and, at some point, the relationship degenerates. Of course, compromises must also be made in order to reach a common denominator, but sacrificing most of the individual good in favor of the other, implies canceling one’s own experiences and feelings, respectively canceling that person as an independent individual.
Establishing boundaries as a couple requires assertive communication, that is, communication in which we express in a sufficiently firm and convincing tone, and at the same time empathetic, of what we really want. I have noticed that many do not know what they want and very many do not know how to express what they want in a natural tone, offending the other, attacking him or giving him the impression that the demands he raises are proof of selfishness. Assertive communication involves the clear communication of one’s own feelings, not having the pretense that the other person will guess one’s own moods or give them the real connotation. The lack of such communication creates confusion and insecurities that, over time, endanger the stability of the couple.
Establishing healthy boundaries through assertive communication leads to authentic connection, which is achieved both physically, mentally, and emotionally. Feelings are formed over time, through interconnection on the three levels, but we live in times when the world is in a hurry. Couples reach intimate relationships from the first days, before that psychic and emotional bond is formed, which constitutes the foundation of the relationship, reaching thus confusing the couple’s intimacy with physical intimacy, which is only the outer facet of intimacy.
Authentic connection to the other creates that familiarity that we all long for and that we instinctively seek on our journey to self.
Letting yourself be enveloped by the warm gaze of the other is the first step towards connection, meant to dissolve in time the anxieties and the fear of abandonment. Being looked at warmly, in happy moments, but especially in difficult moments, when you feel insecure and vulnerable, is the way to heal inner traumas. But for that, we must have the certainty that we will not be criticized and judged, because judgment breaks the connection. We need to be looked at too, long enough and intensely enough to dissolve the fears that always belong to the past, making room for the experiences of the present. We need to open our hearts and let our feelings speak. The heart unites, the mind divides. A couple maintains itself by focusing attention on the commonalities of both partners, giving strength and focus, not on the differences that divide and which are often appreciated by the other as flaws. The two grow up observing each other with affection, building day by day the edifice of the relationship through the attention they give to each other.
Women express their feelings more easily, so I have always believed that their role is more important in welding a couple, providing that warm familiarity that gives a man comfort in relation to his own feelings, which, once he can manage them, he can express them in a natural way, without resorting to techniques to avoid them and implicitly the woman who provokes them.
In the absence of an authentic connection between the two, based on common experiences and not just on intimate connections, in the absence of clear boundaries, in which each takes into account the satisfaction of their own needs for a good physical, mental and emotional state of both partners, in the lack of assertive communication doubled by listening on the part of the other, the couple’s relationship becomes problematic, deepening the wounds of both partners.
July 29
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