- It is said that, in a relationship based on love, the person with a secure attachment style influences the one with an insecure attachment style, i.e. with an anxious, avoidant or disorganized attachment style, in the sense that they provide that necessary stability to a lasting relationship, as it has the means of effective communication, in which the two learn to value each other.
Love is the basis of a couple’s relationship, but in everyday life, it is not enough for the life of that couple to be a satisfactory one, which ensures the evolution of both of them and not just one of them, or even none of them. Everyone’s main goal in life should be firstly their own evolution and secondly the evolution of the other, for the simple fact that their own evolution is the main responsibility of each individual, which cannot be limited only to the school years. On the other hand, even if a person wants to devote himself to the evolution of the other, in the absence of a constant evolution of his own, he remains behind and the help he would offer could not adapt to the standards of a continuous life change and transformation.
At the same time, the partners of a couple need to be interested in the evolution of the other, because, following only their own interests, it cannot be claimed that it is a relationship based on love and mutual respect, as it erodes over time.In order for everyone to evolve at their own pace, it is necessary for a couple to create a stable and balanced environment, which allows them both to pursue their proposed goals. Such an environment is difficult to provide in a couple where both partners have an insecure attachment style, where the relationship between the two is based on control, intimidation or manipulation, techniques characteristic of people who do not trust themselves, all these strategies making the relationship abusive, not being able to ensure a healthy comfort based on mutual respect and understanding.
No matter how much love there is in a couple at the beginning, if both have an insecure attachment style and if neither of them is willing to concern themselves with their personal development, it cannot be a balanced relationship that meets the expectations of both, therefore, over time, the relationship degrades. Either they distance themselves from each other, trying to protect their own wounds, or they resort to controlling and manipulative techniques, creating a victim-aggressor relationship.
I have come across quite a few situations in which one of the partners exercises control over the other, the latter molding himself on the grievances of the controlling one and thus being assimilated, losing his identity and no longer showing importance to the abuser who becomes alienated, directing his attention to to a person of the opposite sex from outside the couple. Outwardly, the couple often appears as one welded together, but on a closer look, it can be noted that one of the two is non-existent, in the sense that his opinion and his wishes are not listened to.
As long as two people love each other and each cares about their own evolution and development, while also supporting the evolution of the other, the energy of the couple grows, in proportion to the growth of the partners. The energy of the couple is different from that of each individual partner and it is welded together as long as each of them keeps their identity. When one of the partners assimilates the other, fulfilling her desires while his own are ignored, it can no longer be a question of a balanced couple, whose consistency is given by the flow of masculine and feminine energies, each with its importance, but of a relationship of compromise, in which the abuser becomes increasingly dissatisfied as the abused satisfies more and more of his desires.
Therefore, the secret of a successful relationship of a person with himself and a relationship of a couple is to be concerned with one’s own personal development, the only one that can ensure both self balance and a fulfilling married life.
