I have always told myself that love is a dance for two, which involves movement in both directions. Just following the steps of one of the partners in the direction dictated by him cannot sustain the dance in the long run, ultimately leading to the exit from the stage.
I listened to a tutorial today where a person was saying that there are women who have a lot of love to offer, understanding and devoted women, who are often not appreciated by their partner, and that, in reality, these women deserve much more than they get. I remembered a friend who, the other day, was telling me about the ordeal she lived with her partner, trying to please him, whose demands were getting bigger and harder to satisfy, which made the frustration in the couple become unbearable.
I think that being devoted to a partner and pleasing them by ignoring your own needs is not a proof of love. First of all, it is not love towards yourself. It seems more plausible that women who love “too much” suffer from a wound of abandonment or rejection and try to value themselves by pleasing their partner. In other words, not knowing how to value themselves, they value themselves through their attitude towards their partner, waiting in vain for the long-awaited feedback.
I noticed that there are a lot of women who do not know how to give themselves much, either out of habit, or considering that they don’t deserve it or that the other deserves more. Such women often attract narcissistic partners whose role is to teach them to give, and if they manage to overcome the victim attitude in which they often indulge, they may realize that, in fact, the real lesson is to learn to love themselves, to learn what and how to give themselves more.
I don’t think love from such a woman is real, as it was said in the tutorial I listened today, but rather weakness and dependence. Love is more about the verb to be, not the verb to do. A woman who loves, first of all loves herself, recognizes the other’s love for her and knows how to love in return. A woman who loves does not end up in the position of a victim, because she knows how much to give, without ignoring herself. Love requires a state of presence, and being present in one’s life means knowing how much to give and how much to receive in order to be in balance, imposing clear boundaries in relationships.
Being in a relationship does not mean forgetting about yourself, but, on the contrary, broadening your horizon of knowledge with the help of your partner. It does not mean being absorbed by the other, because that means, in fact, self-denial, not love at all.
To give the other, without being preoccupied with one’s own needs and desires, is a deviation from one’s own path, from one’s own purpose in life, which consists in perfecting the human being. It is as if a student is primarily concerned with his colleague’s homework and not with his own homework, a fact that cannot lead to the evolution of either the one who does not do his homework, or the other who receives the homework done.
Only real love as a state of being is what brings fulfillment in the relationship and on a personal level. Real love brings growth both individually and at the relationship level and then at the societal level, that makes possible that alluring dance that brings beauty to life and happiness.
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